These are questions going around in my head this morning. I don’t feel ‘right’. I have been like this before. I went to the Doctor and got help…anti-depressants & talking therapy, free art classes. It all helped me to get through it.
Its back! Been around me for some time. I keep fighting it off. But it is slowly sucking the life out of me! As I struggle along, I am withdrawing from life…shutting people out…not wanting to go anywhere, do anything. Unable to feel joy; my world is monochrome, colourless, flat,empty. Yet I feel…feel deep, raw, heartache,sadness, loneliness, unconnected, alone even in a crowd of people.
I feel I have no-one to tell, no-one to understand me, yet I have a husband, a son, sister, brother, friends but no-one seems to listen, no-one understands how I feel.
Yet I choose to be alone. I feel anxious around people. I panic about social events. I stress over the smallest things, like a phone call, an appointment, a visitor, everything!
I cannot organise myself, or my day. Because I struggle with decision-making. I struggle getting motivated to do daily tasks. But I try. I somehow manage to do the essentials, like cook a meal for hubby, and look after the pets. Basic things are done, but they are a drag.
Some days I can be creative…I like to make things…but its sporadic.
How do I pull myself out of this? I am fighting daily to keep going. There are many underlying issues, such as chronic pain from PN (Peripheral Neuropathy) and the recent trauma of the sudden death of my Mum (18 months ago).
So do I need help? Should I seek professional help? Or can I get well by myself? Does everyone feel like this? How do I know? Am I ill? Or is this just a natural reaction to events such as death of a loved one? The thing is I am too anxious to go talk to a doctor. I don’t know what to do.
If you have suffered like this and have dealt with some of these issues please get in touch.