The first couple of years of having Peripheral Neuropathy, I continued working. I soldiered on until I could no longer stand the pain of wearing shoes on my feet, of clothes touching me, of driving, of trying to do everything and feeling exhausted.I worked as a teaching assistant, helping students who had special educational needs.
So after leaving my job, I set up my own business, as a private Tutor, working from home. But eventually everything got too much for me. I found that I couldn’t cope. I was in constant pain, not sleeping and exhausted. One day it all caved in. I went to see the doctor. She said I was depressed. I felt like there was a brick wall in front of me. I told her that I could see nothing in front of me, just emptiness. But that I did still want to live. I had a lot of worries, I said, money and health. I was trying to run my business, the house, cooking, cleaning, home accounts, business accounts, prepare lessons, teach, see friends, etc etc but was in constant pain. I wasn’t sleeping, I was struggling to keep afloat.
I was put on antidepressants, had counselling, then CBT, and Art classes. I began to feel calmer. I stopped working. Sorted out my finances. The medication helped me to sleep.
I knew that I had to simplify my life. The illness had forced that on me. My surroundings were cluttered like my head. A reflection of my mental state. I had been shopping like crazy. It was like a drug. It made me feel better, for a while. Then I felt guilty for spending the money so put the stuff away, unused. Then I would forget about it. Next day I would do it again. Feeling low or anxious I would browse the shopping channels and always spotted something that I really wanted. It was so easy; such a thrill. But you had to act fast or miss out. Just a matter of a few clicks on the computer and no time to ponder, just do it, click! Oh dear, what have I bought? Never mind.I would feel a thrill of excitement. It was addictive. So it went on….and on…the more depressed or in pain I felt the more I would go online and buy things.
This wasn’t me, I had always been fairly sensible. I felt ashamed and so out of control. I was in denial half the time, and guilty too. I had begun buying crafting materials, and decided to Teach myself card making. It was very good for me to do something creative, and I found it very enjoyable. Art and crafts was good therapy. I would recommend it. When you are focusing on a project, it seems to help with the pain. I have also taught myself jewellery making.
Well, I must sign off for now. Its 04.06 am. I have to sleep. I will continue my ramblings later. Thanks for listening. Any questions or comments welcome.
Bye..eeeee , luv Sharon x